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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

Dear Aibie,

Let me tell you why I love you so. If I were blessed with another daughter, she would be Aibileen Grace. I can't think of anything better than a sweet little Aibie Grace in our family. She would fit perfectly with my other two; Lily Mae and Maisy Jane. I was certain, for a long period of time, I was content with my two, but one day the desire kicked in and when it did there was no turning back. I wanted another like nobodies business and my whole family agreed. We needed a baby to love.

Yesterday I opened my Word document and counted, it has been 31 months.

31 months of disappointment.
31 months of trying desperately to keep my chin up.
31 months of believing this month is
the month.
31 months of outrageously selfish prayers.
31 months of wondering what on earth I would do if I had a boy! :)

Last September was our month to give our good run a rest, but giving up is so hard. Our "trying" time has been extended month after month, but it is time. This heavy burden has taken me away from the many gifts and opportunities right in front of me. I want to be free of wanting and waiting and what ifs.

I loved The Help. Did you? I fell in love with Aibileen. Every time her name was spoken, I said to myself "she will be called Aibie." Even though I craved a sweet little Aibie in my arms, I realized her role in my life did not have to be absent, just different. Instead of my daughter, she will be my friend.

You are my Aibie.

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Friday, February 17, 2012

This is hard.

Dear Aibie,

Slowly but surely the words will come.

Are you thirsty? I am too.

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